Hope

06:28 pm: 2008 Updates
2008 has been nothing but one big rollercoaster. Some ups, lots of downs, but in the end it all slows down to smooth sailing.

Quick updates on all the bad things...
After a long bout in the hospital, my Zayde passed away. I now have no grandparents left, and it is even harder to think about that with the upcoming wedding. Kevin's grandmother in Georgia passed away the same day as Zayde. Definitely a crazy turn of events, but thankfully we were both there to help each other. Kevin's father and brother were in and out of hospitals as well. Brad was in a horrible car accident, but is recovering very well now. Kevin's dad is having lots of complications with his diabetes. The worst now is that he is almost blind. It may be reversible, but we will just have to wait and see.

In addition to all of that, divorce mode is in full swing. My dad has caused more problems than I could ever imagine he ever would and has made life very difficult. Those wounds will never heal with my family, but hopefully it will continue to calm down and be "over" by the end of the year.

Student teaching is over, and I am finally a college graduate. I absolutely loved 5th grade and everything about it. I had some ups and downs with my cooperating teacher, and she really wasn't the best "teacher" for me, but in the end it all worked out. She became very helpful toward the end, just not always when I needed her.

After graduation I spent the last month of school substituting. I had some really nice classes, some a couple really bad ones, but most of my time was spent back in my 5th grade room. My kids loved every time they got to see me again!

Thanks to Gail, my co-op, I was offered a long-term substitute job, but had to turn it down because of my fall class schedule. It was very, very difficult to turn down that job, but I will keep myself quite busy in the fall.

Starting August...3 grad classes, substitute teaching, 2 grad assistantships, and I will know by next week if I will also be working at Sylvan Learning Center. Very busy, but that is nothing new with me while I am in school.

Currently, I am in the process of moving my wonderful, loving fiance, Kevin, into my apartment in Shippensburg. Unfortunately, he was laid off, but it really wasn't the worst situation we could have been handed. Now he can move in and collect unemployment while he is looking for a new job. It is a quick turn around, but there was no reason for him to pay rent for another month by himself. This weekend...moving, packing, unpacking, shopping for a new bed, and updating furniture. Fun stuff.

Even more exciting stuff...wedding plans! A few months ago we booked a location. Both the ceremony and reception will be held at Spring Mill Country Club on Sunday, May 24th, 2009. Wedding party has been picked and everyone is currently looking for wardrobe! My sister (the maid of honor) has already purchased her dress and the rest are in the process :)

I also bought my dress. I am super excited and can't wait to try on the whole thing again, including the matching shoes, headpiece, and veil that are ready to go as well. My family is very, very excited, and everyone is being so helpful right now.

My wonderful mother threw me two fabulous parties as well. After an engagement party and a graduation party Kevin and I both have lots of wonderful things to start our new home (even if it will stay at my mom's for two more years) and some spending money to help us both while neither of us are working.

So for now...that's life! Keep an eye out for me, I don't know how sane I will stay (I haven't been able to keep it for long very often!) But...things are looking up. Lets just hope it stays that way!

11:39 pm: What a wonderful world!
So it seems that I return to this blog once a semester, just to post some random thoughts about myself. Maybe I'll return to writing on a regular basis at some point...

So unlike last time, some monumental changes have been made since my last post.

I am in love with a wonderful man, and like the song says, "He may not be the man some girls think of as handsome, but to my heart he carries the key."

As of November 30th, Kevin and I are engaged. It was definitely a movie moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.

It was Madrigals Dinners, one of the most stressful but absolutely the most fun concert experiences ever. After a tiring opening number, and a concert during dinner, we had some time to visit with our family and friends that were sitting in the audience. Kevin, my mom, Reta, my Zayde and his girlfriend, Kevin's parents, Travis, Andrea, and Brian were all there.

As I walked in I saw Kevin stand up and put his jacket on. I somehow knew what was coming. This night had been one of my "theories" for awhile, but I had no idea how he would pull it off. When I walked up to the table he gave me a big hug, pulled back, and said, "I just have one question for you."

At that point everything truly stopped. All I could do was smile from ear to ear while he got down on his knee and pulled out the little black box, with my Bubbie's ring inside. "Will you marry me?" Before I even had the time to answer, the whole room started cheering and the cameras started flashing. All I could say was, "Of course, yes, of course!"

All at once everyone seemed to run toward me...family, friends, people I knew, people I didn't know...everyone wanted to see the ring and wish us luck for a long and happy marriage. And after all that...I still had to get up and sing again. That wasn't easy, to say the least. Apparently everyone kept saying, "Look how it shines...look how big it is."

It was definitely a memorable, wonderful experience that I will remember forever.




And now the planning begins...

I have spent the past couple weeks attending weddings (and taking tons of notes!), traveling back and forth from Shippensburg to Everett, Everett to Shippensburg, Shippensburg to Bensalem, and back again and again. But, I have basically been living with Kevin for the past month and I don't know how we will go back to seeing each other only on weekends once the semester begins again.

The past two days have been spent searching for a location and asking for price lists. Spring 2009 seems so far away right now, but the more I think about it, I know it is the right time for us. It is fun, but a little stressful. I hate asking my mom for things like planning a wedding when she is going through a divorce. Lets just say the last 5 months have not been fun since my dad walked out, but we are making it through, and this definitely gives my mom something to keep her mind off of it, but I know it can't be easy.



And in other news...

My undergraduate classes are officially over and I am ready for student teaching to start in just two short weeks. Before I know it I will be a college graduate, and ready for Grad School.

For those who haven't heard yet, I have decided to stay in Shippensburg for two extra years to get my Masters and become a Reading Specialist. I don't know if I will do that, or have a classroom, or specialize in a Middle School subject, but I will have tons of options to say the least. I know the Philadelphia area will have a million options for Kevin and myself. I really do think it is a top location for both of our professional areas.



So everyone...keep in touch! Any wedding tips will be most appreciated! I am looking forward to the rest of my life...and for once I feel more ready than ever!

01:44 pm: I just don't know anymore...
I just don't know anymore...
So...I have been in this slump for almost a week now and I just can't get out of it. I just don't know what to do...

Nothing monumental has happened in my life...nothing amazing that I needed a break from...no direct tragedies have occurred...but I just can't get out of this slump.

I guess its just that time of year...the semester is almost over...pretty much all events are over and I have nothing huge to look forward to...nothing huge to plan in the near future.

Elections are just about over too. Looks like next year will be the first time I do not have a major leadership role in anything in a very long time. Yes, I know it is probably for the best with ProSem and student teaching coming up, but as far as college goes, those leadership roles have been my life. I do not feel ownership over anything right now, I do not feel like anyone needs me, I do not know if anything I have done in the past three years has really impacted anyone.

My goal for a long time has been to work on me. I have wanted to forget what other people think about me, forget what other people expect of me, and just work on what is best for me and what I expect of myself. The problem is that is just so hard. I have never, ever done anything for myself. My life has, and always will be based around doing my best to help the people around me. My profession is based solely on making the lives of children and young adults better than before they met me.

If I truly want that...why do I feel so crappy every time something comes, and goes, and I get nothing in return?

I just don't know...

12:37 pm: summer...
Well I have come to the conclusion that summer just sucks. It is filled with stress and heartache that I was supposed to get away from for a little while. I guess reality never leaves.

Sunday was my Bubbie's unveiling. I was one of my only family members that had not been to her grave since the funeral and it still seems so unreal to see her name on that stone. I agree with my mom, I am angry that she is not here to be with us and I don't know if I will ever get over that. Somehow just having her in a room always seemed to make things better.

Monday I took a plunge that will hopefully make some positive changes in my life. I will not delve into the details, but over time hopefully everyone will figure it out on their own and appreciate and understand that for once in my life i am going to do something for myself.

Tuesday was a slap in the face followed by another on Wednesday. Work at Target pisses me off more and more each day, and as much as I do love the people I work with, I am good at my job, and I sometimes do enjoy what I am doing...feeling like I am not appreciated and busting my ass during my summer off means nothing to anyone.

I want school to start so bad. I hope that it is not going to be as difficult as last semester and I can somehow return to that state of routine, normalcy, and fun that I used to have. I used to like school, I used to like college, I used to like life. I want to go back to all that without effort.

I have been trying so hard to make everything better that I am just making it worse so I think I just need to sit back and watch everything play out. When there is a problem I need to wait for someone to come to me, and if they don't, I guess I will have to deal with it and move on. I can't let other peoples' mistakes get to me. I have to know and be confidant that I can adapt to any situation and make the best of it.

06:46 pm: Home again, home again
As I stare out the window at the beautiful, bright rainbow above my house, I remember that there is good, natural beauty in the world.

Either way, yeah, I am back in Bensalem again. I left Shippensburg Thursday night after packing all night Wednesday (thanks sooooo much Kevin for sticking it out with me and not killing me in the process!)

While packing on Wednesday I got even more sick and driving home on Thursday I got really bad. The torrential downpours and lack of sleep didn't help much either, but I made it.

Friday I woke up and had to find some clothes to take with me to Lock Haven for the weekend. My sister is now a college graduate...damn that makes me feel old. Means I only have two years left...and I want to make the most of it.

The weekend was spent going crazy with the family, but today I got to take one full day to myself to stay in my pajamas in a quiet house and do nothing. I definately needed it to keep my sanity.

The end of the semester was really good with all the fun parties and such. Grades come in on Friday so we shall have to wait and see about that. I think it all ended up pretty well.

I already miss my friends in Ship, and I haven't gotten to see anyone at home yet. Not living with Sarah and across the street from Steve...my triad...is going to be so weird next year. But onto a new life with Szumi & Heather in chateau I guess!

Hopefully my friends will follow through and we really will see each other this summer. As much as I doubted alot of my friends this year, at the end of it all I guess I really let go and realized that I do have a great family that has become quite close at Ship. Lets hope that lasts!

Next week I start back to work, but this week is going to be spent organizing my shit and relaxing. Hopefully spending some time with the bestest too...I really need to figure out what his schedule is like when I am actually around!

Well anyway...Kevin, Sarah, Josh, Steve, Andrea, Darius, Nick, Travis...whoever reads this...gimme a call...I don't want to have to start over fresh with anyone months away from now!

Love to all!

12:16 pm: ::sigh::
So this week has been absolutely non-stop crazy. Got back Saturday night (Sunday morning) from a fun/crazy Pi Nu convention weekend. Definately had tons of fun...love some of my Drexel brothers...and have SO MANY great ideas for next year.

I spent Tuesday & Wednesday teaching in a 4th grade class in Harrisburg. Loved the kids, so did not want to leave. I wish I could have stayed there so much longer. It was definately exhausting though. I need to work on my horrible sleep schedule before I need to move on to getting up at 5 am every day! Defiantely not fun with only 2-3 hours of sleep.

Last night was a fun time with Pi Nu too (seems to be an ongoing trend lately!). We had a "surprise" (ha) baby shower for Andrea. So glad that she loved all the presents and was able to relax and enjoy herself for awhile.

Got about 3 hours of sleep last night too, because I just have so much to do and just not enough time in the day. I know this time of the semester is supposed to be hectic, but come on now, does EVERY MAJOR PROJECT in EVERY CLASS have to be due on the SAME DAY????

I am getting them done, just trying to relax and do the best that I can with the limited brain capacity I have left. I never wanted to be done with school before, but this semester has been more than ridiculous and it just needs to be over.

This weekend will be busy, but fun. Spending time with Kevin on Friday, MSA Ball on Saturday, and recording session with Madrigals all day on Sunday. Of course I will not get to relax and work on homework or anything, but it should at least keep me entertained for awhile. Maybe ease a little bit of stress?

Next week consists of projects & finals, but also fun stuff like Senior Sendoff & the Pi Nu formal. Equality Forum too? We shall see.

In other news, elections for everything are over now. I got a nice variety of things, which is different for me. Challenging? yes...but I like dealing with new experiences and working out how to make as much of a difference as I can in a variety of ways. Secretary of SALE, VP of Hillel, President of Pi Nu Epsilon. Definately excited.

Well, time for class once again. Just relieved that I had enough time to finish my homework and take a few minutes to clear my head.

Good luck to everyone else at the end of the semester! Hope everyone else's lives aren't quite as hectic as mine, but just as rewarding in the end.

12:02 am: Fun times with Pi Nu

National Convention 2006 @ Millersville University...definately an interesting experience...couldn't have made it through without my amazing family!  Love you Sarah, Josh, Kevin, & Katie!   We may want to kill each other sometimes...but the aftermath is so worth it!

 

Sarah: There is bad techno music playing. Kevin must be here!

Hope: If you like cheese you'll like these!

Randomly on 81..Hope: Oh my God, I've seen that lady before! And then Sarah chokes on a pretzel.

Katie points. Hope: There's a baby truck on that huge truck!

Josh bounces and shakes the whole first car. Sarah: I think we felt that one back here!

Hope: Who puts a steak buffet with a bakery?  Sarah: Eww.

Kevin: 741! 4 of us: Yay! Kevin: East or West? Us: Uhhh.

Hope: Call.  Josh: It's been too long. Hope: What?! Josh: Its been 45 mintues!

Katie: Screw this! I have a ham sandwhich.

Sarah: I'll eat anywhere.  Katie: You can have my ham and cheese sandwich.  Sarah: No I dont like ham.

Sarah: It'd be really funny if we had to go the other way on George St.

Kevin: Patty! Patty! Patty! Patty!

Josh: Delta..one, two, three...Slack!

Rap music starts. Delta chapter only ones to dance. Everyone looks confused.

Katie has a disease called quarumism.

Katie: I'm afraid if I fart, I might accidentally pee.

Reading Restroom

Josh: Can I have a blanket? Katie: Josh, you have a sleeping bag. Josh: But sometimes the sleeping bag can get too hot.

Kevin: Josh you have 15 things! Josh: The sleeping bag is for my lumbar support.

Katie: Kevin, I could kill you right now! Kevin: Well that sure would take care of my shower problem.

Back spasms all around. (And Lice.....)

Beta chapter requests the crappiest music ever.

Katie singing Temperature.

Getting back at 2:30am and only wanting to get trashed and sleep.

05:07 pm: Life in a Nutshell...
Life has been hectic, as usual, but I've come to expect it and deal with it the best that I can. Since the last time I wrote...

I went to Spain for Spring Break with the Madrigals singers. It was an amazing time! :) Yes, I had a few problems with having my grandfather there, but when it came down to it I was with a group of 20 amazing college students and they made it all worthwhile. We sounded absolutely amazing and I am honored to be part of a group of such amazing, talented, lovable individuals. Check out my pictures http://community.webshots.com/user/sparkle_gal and look at my friend's pages for even more!

Last weekend was Choir tour & SALE conference. I unfortunately had to miss the conference, which I am so upset about and I feel so guilty for not being there. I put alot of hard work, dedication, blood, sweat, and tears into that organization all year and it really sucks that I had to miss the time when it all comes together. From what I hear it went extremely well, so I hope I made it worthwhile for everyone who was there.

Choir tour was okay. It is a big difference being with a group of 80 students instead of only 20, but we had some very welcoming, greatful families that opened up their homes to us that made it worthwhile. It is such a weird feeling to have people talk about this amazing concert they went to, and knowing that you were actually singing in it.

Now it is just tying up loose ends of everything before the end of the semester. I taught a read-aloud today which made me SO HAPPY! The kids were so damn cute, and even though one was a brat, I think they all enjoyed themselves and I couldn't help but smile as I left the school.

This week starts the election process for so many organzations. Choir & madrigals is already taken care of, so we will see how the rest goes starting tonight.

Overall I just feel so underapprecited right now by the people who are supposed to care the most. I've seen so many people for just one time, through choir, mads, and teaching that are extremely greatful for all the hard work that I put into everything, but the people who actually experience me doing it on a regular basis seem to not appreciate it at all. I bust my ass time and time again for so many groups, organizations, individuals, and barely have enough time or energy to do it for myself, but I get joy out of making others happy. That is why I am going into the profession that I am, so I can help people. BUT...when that hard work goes unnoticed it is extremely frustrating. It would be nice if just once I got credit for something that I did. It would be nice if since I put so much work into something, I get the outcome that I want.

I guess I get to learn, time and time again, that I can't always get what I want. I have to be content with what I am given and just understand that that is just what is meant to be. It just really sucks sometimes.

02:52 am: So...Spring Break is here...
So...Spring Break is here...

As much as I really do love being at Ship, I need to be away from here for awhile. Lately I have been so stressed out and when that happens I forget how much I love college.

Right now I have a million things running through my head and when one thing goes wrong everything else that has been wrong that I try not to think about comes flooding back into my head. I know other people have issues, but guess what...I do too.

I have been trying not to think about stuff, some things I have told NO ONE, and sometimes everything just hits you at once. I hate feeling so helpless and like the world is rushing around me and I am just stuck in the middle. I guess everyone has to have their breakdown at some point, and I have avoided mine for a long time now. Today it hit and no, it is not going to go away any time soon. I know how to control it though, so let me have my 10 minutes of hysteria and I can continue with life.

The past few days have been fun. Yesterday I got drunk and had a great time with the crew. Today we had rehearsal and our pre-tour concert. It went well for our first run through, and it will only get better as we continue. Tonight we had a little get-together, then me and Steve came home to do laundry...finished at like 1:30...I'm telling you...the middle of the night is definately the best time for laundry!

Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day. For those of you who do not know, Saturday morning I am leaving for Spain with the Madrigals Singers. Nine days...in Europe...on the university. Couldn't be a much better spring break if I tried. Even though I don't get to spend time with my Greg...the 20 singers that are going with me are AMAZING and I love them all. I really want to have a good time and hopefully come back to school with a fresh outlook on life.

I'm excited about rooming with Steve over there. We have been really close lately. I am going to miss not having him right across the street from me next year. I love our little parking lot bitch sessions.

So yes...please call, IM, message me tomorrow to save me from the stress and hysterics that come with packing.

I will return to Ship on Monday, March 20th...so don't bother calling before that...but leave messages telling me how much you love me!

I miss everyone at home...Reta, Greg, my parents, Steve (the other one, lol)...and I will see you during mini-break.

Love and relaxation to all!

07:14 pm: I wish...
I wish life was easy like it used to be.
I wish life was simple, carefree, and fun.
I wish life wasn't so complicated.
I wish I didn't have a million things going on in my head at one given time.
I wish I knew who my true friends were.
I wish I received half as much as I give.
I wish that all the work that I do really makes a difference in someone's life.
I wish my friends could talk to me.
I wish people trusted me.
I wish I had someone to love me.
I wish I had someone who truly cares about me.
I wish...but I don't know what to do.
All I can do is sit here...and wish.

04:08 pm: Bon Voyage
Well I am packed and ready to leave. In about 2 hours my family is going to Greg's house for dinner and then we are off. Staying at a hotel near the airport tonight so if you want to talk to me give me a call. I will be out of touch for the next week, but my phone will be turned back on Saturday when I get home. Back to Shippensburg Sunday the 15th...I better have a tan by then.

Well everyone...think about me on my Birthday on Sunday the 8th since I won't get to talk to anyone, but who can turn down being in the middle of the ocean for their Birthday? Happy Birthday to Sarah B & Brandi who have the same Birthday as ME! Jan 8 babies rock. <3 to all!

11:37 pm: Break...
So I just wrote a long entry in my MySpace...so I'm not going to go on and on here.

I am really trying to enjoy break.

Working...making money...yes its stress but its only three weeks

Greg...when i am away at school i almost forget how much i love this boy. He is my bestest friend forever and I love every moment spent with him

Hanukkah...ugh don't get me started. I've been racking my brain trying to think of the perfect gifts. Spent a fortune today after getting in a big fight with the family. Hopefully I can make everyone happy.

Feelings...I try to make everyone happy all the time. 2006 needs to be good because 2005 really sucked. This year needs to be spent working on me...I can not just forget about everyone else, and I need to remember that life exists outside of Shippensburg a little more than i do...but i need to not forget about myeslf either. I do that alot.

Cruise...16 days. OMG i can't wait. Spending a week on a boat with two of my favorite people in the world...my best friend and my Zayde. Hopefully ::crosses fingers:: get a tan before school starts again.

Birthday...17 days. Yes, this will be the first time I am away from my mom for my birthday, but how could i turn down a cruise? I will finally not be a teenager. A little scary...not gonna lie...but this year needs to rock.

So overall...I feel a little better than I did earlier. I guess only time will tell.

Happy holidays to all...Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Yule, Happy Kwanzaa...and Happy New Year...Love to all!

03:15 am: No classes...so survey time!

The Priss Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf) Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss. Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy. These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards. Your exact opposite: The Playstation Random Gentle Sex Master You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing. ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy CONSIDER: The Manchild Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

11:46 pm: Sometimes these things are so true...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

05:39 pm: Busy Busy...
Seems like so many of my posts start that way. Well...so much has happened since the last time I wrote. For anyone that doesn't know, the trip to the shore ended in tragedy, with my Bubbie dying only a few hours after I got there. It was peaceful though, with all of my family by her side and us getting to tell her we love her and kiss her over and over again. Even Greg made it only minutes before she passed, and was a true lifesaver, along with Travis, and made the whole ordeal a little easier to deal with.

Now one month has passed, along with what would have been my Bubbie & Zayde's 56th wedding anniversary. They both happened this past week, along with what seemed to be a horrible week for everyone. Between sickness, tragedy, and just a ton of work to do everyone has just been miserable.

But with the bad comes the good as well. Classes are going well and I have gotten As on all my assignments, tests, and quizzes so far. I still don't know how I pull that off with little to no sleep, but somehow I do.

I made it into the Madrigals Singers as well. It has been a goal of mine for awhile now, especially over the summer with both of my grandmothers wishing the best for me on my audition. Since I did successfully make it (the only alto, thank you) I AM GOING TO SPAIN FOR SPRING BREAK! I am going with an absolutely amazing group of singers and friends, as well as my Zayde, who is tagging along as a memorial to my Bubbie, whose wish it was to go to Spain and never got the chance.

Shippensburg's First ever PrideFest is this coming Saturday, October 1st from Noon-2 am in the CUB. It is finally coming together and I hope and expect it to be a big success. EVERYONE COME AND BRING YOUR FRIENDS! We are having vendors, a wall bashing, workshops, gay bingo, Eric Himan and Andy Moore performing (who are both absolutely amazing performers...as well as Eric being GEORGEOUS!), and one of our famous dance parties at night. There is still alot of work to be done, but that is to be expected. It will all come together and it should be a day to remember.

Other than that, I am busy as always with Choir, Madrigals, SALE, Hillel, Pi Nu (rush this week...anyone interested? contact me!) and everything in between. And that is just the normal week stuff. But it keeps me busy, never a dull moment.

Well...must get back to work. Sooo much to do and must stay healthy and well for the weekend.

P.S.--Can't wait for people to come visit me! Greg and Lauren are coming Halloween weekend!! I am so excited!! :-D Updates on definate plans to follow...but parties are definately in the works!

P.P.S.--Hope really needs a good straight boy to give her attention...anyone know anyone??

01:25 pm: Might as well...

08:30 pm: So I've been back in Shippensburg for almost a week now. Time really flies let me tell you. I am finally getting my house in order and it actually looks like people live here now! I really do think I am going to like it. It may have its problems, but what house doesn't? I miss everyone though and can't wait to have the whole gang back here so the real fun can start.

This coming week me and Travis are supposed to go down the shore. Originally it was supposed to be for fun and have a last go at our tans before classes start, but it seems like it may not work out that way. My Bubbie was put in the hospital today and is not taking to this set of chemo well. I don't know what exactly is going to happen but I am so upset over it. I really can't deal with another death in my family, it hasn't even been three weeks since Grandmom passed away and I really don't want to go through that again. In addition to that, I know my Zayde will not take it well at all, and well, all I can say is I hope they both pull through this for awhile longer because I am not ready to lose them yet. I have so much more to learn from them and I want to spend as much time as possible with them, even though being at school keeps me from family alot, which I hate at times like this. All I know is right now I just want to give her a big hug and tell her in person that I love her. I know she knows it, but I don't tell her enough and I am learning more and more this summer that I need to tell everyone that more, because you never know what will happen and when you won't be able to say it again.

OK...need to stop that now. I can't handle another crying fit today my mind just can't take it.

So Sarah has been here twice already dropping stuff off. Unfortunately she hasn't had lots of time to really take the place in so I don't know what she thinks of it yet, but time will tell. Maybe after spending a little time in the house without me and Trav this week she will make her mark on it.

As of right now I am just taking everything one day at a time. Right now the house is really quiet when I am alone in it, which I'm not sure if I like, but hopefully it won't happen too much throughout the year. At least I have a car here now and I can come and go as I please, which is what I have been doing, and thanks to the B&A and Liz, Trav and Beth I have a place to go and people to see.

Everyone needs to make plans to come visit me this year. No more close quarters...and we have an extra bed! ::hint hint:: Greg...Lauren...(and anyone else for that matter) I want to make my house a welcome place for lots of people.

Now off to enjoy it...I love you all.

12:53 pm: I wish all of summer was as good as the good things that happened this month. To start off, Live 8 and the Elton John concert with Greg, Alex, and Travis were such a blast! I got to see my Ship friends at Kate's BBQ, which was great too. It made me remember how much i miss everyone from school.

I spent a week with Travis in Newville after our Exec Board retreat. We got alot of work done for SALE and clearing out his storage sheds. I'm glad all his stuff is coming together. We got to meet a bunch of fun guys that I won't be able to see this weekend :( but hopefully during school we can head to Harrisburg to see them alot. When he brought me back home we went to Atlantic City for a couple days. He got to meet my crazy family, and we got to chill on the beach and get some sun.

Yesterday I came home from visiting Boston with Greg. It was nice getting away with him for a few days. There may have been a couple bumps in the road, but it ended up being alot of fun and makes me even more excited to go away with him for a week come winter. It doesn't matter where we are, just being together is always fun.

When I came home my car was waiting outside for me. Yes, I know, I'm a brat and I don't really like it, but it is wheels and apparently it is in perfect condition. I haven't driven it yet, but i have work tonight so i will get to get behind the wheel.

Everything for the house is coming together. The bumps that went along with that are being smoothed out now and i think the drama is over. It really is going to be a ton of fun living with my two best friends at school. I can't believe it is only two weeks away when I move in.


But, with the good comes the bad. Alot of my friends from work have left in the past couple weeks. I can't belive I have stuck with it for three years and now almost everyone who i've been with most of that time is gone.

Currently i am home alone, dreading life every time the phone rings. It can never be anything good.

Right now my mom is at the hospital with my dad. He hasn't been able to keep food or water down for two days now, so she took him over to get tests done. The doctor yesterday said it was something with his throat, but he failed to mention how much stress he is under. He is getting tests done now, so i guess i have to just wait and see.

He is under stress because of the other phone call i am dreading. We were told my Grandmother is officially in liver failure. It may only be a few days before she dies. I am staying as strong as possible, and thankfully being away kept my mind off of it, but now that i am home its all i can think of.

But for now, I am going to go on with my life and pretend to be okay. Lets hope there are more great times to come and as minimal pain as possible.

06:23 pm: Update...answers...
So the last few days have just been really long. Things aren't exactly better, but at least they aren't really questionable now.

Sunday night after my mom and I had both worked 8 hours each we drove to Atlantic City to be with my Grandparents. We got there about 2:30 am and after barely sleeping went to a doctors appointment at 9 am. So it turns out the tests were right, my Bubbie has cancer again. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year and a half ago and has been cancer free for the past six months. Now unfortunately it has spread and she has spots on her liver and in her abdomen. She needs to start chemo again immmediately, starting Monday morning. It is so hard seeing her like this, she randomly breaks out in tears and even asked the doctor how long she will live. Thankfully he is hopeful and yes, eventually she will die of cancer but it doesn't look like it will be any time soon. Things were finally looking up for her, she was feeling good and getting back to normal then everything has to happen again. She broke her arm a couple weeks ago and had to have a metal rod put in and now this.

On top of that my Zayde went to the doctor today and found out he has precancerous cells in his tongue. He needs surgery ASAP. I guess that is the least of our problems because it is not too serious. Yes, he needs the surgery but the way the doctor was talking we expected it to be alot worse. Thankfully he will still be somewhat healthy and able to help with everything else.

On top of that, everything with my Grandmom is still up in the air. She is out of the hospital but she still has a healing broken hip with 3 pins in it and cancer in her colon, lungs, bones, and who knows where else. She is practically confined to her bed and has finally agreed to sell her big house, but since she waited so long there are no openings in assisted living homes and she hates having to rely on other people. She still refuses to give up the car too, so no help for me out of all this either. She landed herself in the ER again last week, but apparently nothing major was wrong and they sent her home again. Just the surgery combined with the radiation is not affecting her well.

As for me, I am just trying to keep my head on straight. I keep telling myself everything will work out ok and my grandparents will live to see everything. My sister graduating from college next year, me graduating in three years, us both getting married and having children. It is bad enough my Grandfather died so early, he didn't get to see us at all, or even see my parents married. He died just 28 days before the wedding. They have all outlived their families by alot and they need to survive to see everything they have always wanted to.

I am just trying to stay busy and not worry. Work helps, when they actually give me hours. This week and next they screwed me with only 3 and 2 days, but I expect them to call me in every once in a while. Plans to have fun are working out more and more. We got a hotel room for Live 8 (yayy!) so I will be in the city for that and the concerts on the 4th. Anyone going? Let me know, we will meet up! At the end of the July me and Greg are going to Boston for a few days too. Much needed road trip! I got to hit the beach yesterday and hopefully a few more days off in conjunction with other people will actually get my tan up to par.

Today I got news about my house at Bard. I HOPEFULLY am getting a bigger one...where I get to have my own bedroom. If this does not work out I am going to flip out. We will see.

Quote of the week...seems to fit everything, "Just take everything one day at a time."

11:19 pm: So yesterday when I said work isn't as bad as I make it out to be...yeah I must have cursed myself. Right before I left work tonight...an hour after I was supposed to leave...I broke down. I was talking to a "manager" who happens to be someone my age who I trained and started six months after I did. She was promoted because she stayed around to go to school and I went away. I am treated like shit by almost everyone around there. The people who are on the same level as me think I am new just because I just came back from school. They fail to realize that I have worked there much longer than all of them. I never got my last raise which was due in October because my leave of absence had already gone into affect. So, I have to wait until now. Even though my THREE YEAR anniversary is this coming October, I am getting my two year raise on the 25th of this month. I understand I was away, fine, I can deal with that. I informed her that I refuse to get treated like shit around here and if my raise reflects the way I am treated they will be very sorry. She says I shouldn't worry about it, but I am knowing that people who have worked there alot less than me and only cause problems around the store get paid more than me. I work my ass off for that place. I spent two nights this week with customers that were still in the store an HOUR after we had closed. I was fixing problems that other people started, but couldn't stay to finish. Tonight I stayed an hour late, not because of customers but because of the lack of work that the people on the floor do. Apparently I am expected to do their jobs in addition to mine. And...I have to open at 8 am tomorrow morning. If everything is still there when I get in I am going to flip out. I worked my ass off to make everyone elses jobs easier tonight and if they don't appreciate it I will raise hell. On top of everything else I had to deal with tonight, our electricity was out when I walked in the door. Now of course, we have a back up generator that turns on half the lights in the store and the registers. As long as the registers are on we have to stay open. Of course our friendly neighbors Famous Footwear next door got to close, but not us. Target closes for nothing. The power kept surging and our computers crashed twice, taking 15 minutes or more to reboot. AND I HAVE CUSTOMERS YELLING AT ME ABOUT IT...LIKE I CAN FIX THE ELECTRIC IN THE STORE!!

So yeah, everyone pissed me off tonight. One of my favorite floor employees had his last day yesterday and I already miss him. Customers are assholes and think I don't know what I'm doing. Managers are assholes and think I don't know what I'm doing. And I am expected to just sit there and smile...do my "fast, fun, and friendly" job and act like nothing is wrong. But today everything was wrong and I hate it. If it wasn't for the fact that I have worked there for three years I would quit. I can't wait to go back to school. I MISS SHIPPENSBURG!!!!!!!